Running Noses or Running Buffet Baby Shower Recipes
make it quick, honey. we're closing. well, this is unacceptable. because i booked it yesterday. yes, a one-hour sunset bliss massagewith tanya. no, it has to be tanya. i need to know that this bank is secure. just trust me. i've upgraded dozens of banks. - it'll be fine.- i don't need fine. i need guarantees. gordon, you've got them.
it's a security upgrade,not the end of the world. i swear, kaitlin, if he keeps me late againand i miss cougar town, i am gonna burn this place to the ground. oh, i hear you, hon. we've all got plans. mr. sullivan, it's always a pleasure to see you. look, i scheduledthis massage a month ago. no, i need tanya.her hands are like little jackhammers well, who can i get? jonathan? well, does he have strong hands?
hello! ooh! come to mama. mmm. mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, oh, oh. son of a bitch. - how may i help you today, sir?- change for a hundred. absolutely. how would you like it broken? seven nickels, 31 quarters and 919 dimes. what? oh, you're right, that's too many dimes.
i'm gonna do 107 nickels, 839 dimes, 29 quarters and seven half-dollar pieces, please. is that chile? brazil. you know what? i'm never gonna usethe half-dollar pieces. can i get 101 nickels,157 quarters and 557 dimes, please? - is this a joke?- no. i just have this thing for coins. i like their weight, i like their size,i like the way they jingle in my pocket.
- that's kind of weird.- what is? the numbers you mentioned, 101, 157, 557.they're all prime numbers. no one's ever noticed that before. i work with numbers all day. you do that in your head? yes. good trick at math parties. - i bet.- what's your name? - kaitlin.- kaitlin. i am tripp. - it's very nice to meet you.- oh, hi, we don't actually, um,
- shake hands with customers.- oh, right. cell phone scramblers live. when are you getting married? how do you know i'm getting married? oh, my wedding gifts. that's also quite a rock.are you marrying jay-z or somebody? my fiancã©'s well off, yes. well off? they're getting marriedin brunei in two days. my husband won't even take me to the sizzler.
oh, he's rich. but is he happy? we're extremely happy.how kind of you to ask. check darrien. check weinstein. check gates. all right, we're live. go weapons hot. yeah. breach the door. go on, hit it with the clicker. go, go, go!
and one, two, three, four, five, six and one makes seven. is there anything else i can dofor you today, sir? no, i'm good. thank you. thanks for choosing credit international.have a great day. - you're beeping.- what? oh. yes, it reminds me to take my meds. - pharmacy around here?- two blocks up. very nice meeting you, kaitlin.
nice to meet you, too, tripp.good luck with your whole thing. - you're about to be robbed.- huh? what are you doing? this is a robbery! what the fuck do you think you're doing here? what's it look like, man?we robbing the bank. yeah, ain't it sort of obviouswith the guns and everything? no. this is our job. stand down. i ain't see your name on the sign out there.
unless your name is credit. and, you know, given all the weird namesparents give their kids these days... the alarm isn't working. no cell phone reception either. - what do we do?- proceed as planned. stop the security update. if i don't let the system reboot,the whole bank will lock down. we know that. just do itor i'll shoot you in the fucking face. now hold on, son. there's no...
- do it!- okay. you have exactly three secondsto stand down or you will be fired upon! come on, dude, let's get out of here.there's lots of other atms. - one...- on two, start banging away. i heard that. two, three. it's now or never, bro! - he's not gonna make it.- get down.
- what do you push for the intercom?- what? hello? hello? hello? look, i know you're in the middleof a gunfight, but a bystander's been hit. i just wanna check to make sure he's okay.okay, i'm coming out. don't shoot! coming out! don't shoot. - i've got a clean shot.- so does everyone. just stand down. just wait. okay?
- this ever happen to you before?- hell no. he's dead. look, sometimes that happensin these crossfire situations. don't make a big production out of it, okay? you're here for the vault, right? who the fuck is this guy? and you guys said somethingabout going after the atms? maybe. so, then what's the problem?
are you seriously suggestingthat we rob the same bank? yeah. why not? just pretend it's two different banks. this guy's nuts. don't even tell meyou're considering it. look, i rather not add any more murdersto my rap sheet. for fuck's sake, one of them wore shortsto a bank robbery. we gotta kill them. i don't know.what do you think, old man? i'm with you, d. i've had my fill of killing.
why the fuck are we even carrying guns?come on, i wanna shoot the motherfuckers! the guns are for takinghostages. that was always part of the plan. now we just have two more hostages.am i right, d? so what's our plan? if they wanna rob the bank together,we rob the bank together. if they wanna kill us, we kill them first. cool plan. all right, listen up. we're gonna take the vault.
you two idiots want the atms, that's fine. just stay the fuck out of our way. you got it, big city. rooty-tooty. you gotta be fucking kidding me. what now? what are we supposed to do?what does he want? you two, could you... does he want us to come over? it's okay. you, come here.
watch him. give us a sec. - you want to come?- fuck off. put the guns down. put the guns down. all right, come here. let's introduce ourselves.there's no reason why we can't be friends. i'm peanut butter. and this here's jelly. those ain't our real names. jesus christ.
we wanted somethingthat goes good together, and milk 'n cookies was already taken. i want all the hostages out here now! all right, everybody.cell phones, pagers, fucking twitter things. anything with an on/off switch. yeah. and guns, obviously. thank you for being a terrible bank guard. hey, guys, i gotta get out of here. of course you gotta get out of here.you're a fucking hostage.
get in there! hey. shut up and don't touch anything. - get away from the fucking door.- can i... - stay away from the door.- all right! please don't kill me on the toilet. jesus christ. it smells likean arsehole factory in here. you ought to be ashamed of yourself, mate. these guys are awesome. major league, baby.
obviously on behalf of the bank,i'm just terribly sorry. okay, let me just amend that.we're terribly sorry. - rex, please.- hey, everybody, i'm rex newbauer. i'm a loan officer. and we're in luck. certified post-robbery counselor. i've counseledover 75 bank-robbery survivors. we're gonna make it here, gang. now, our primary objectiveis to become a cohesive unit. sir, may i help you, please?
our primary goal is to get out of here alive. okay, well as an expertin standard bank robbery procedure... there's nothing standardabout this bank robbery. we have two heists going onat the same time with a dead body, which basically guaranteesthat the bank robbers are gonna come in here and kill us all. - what?- don't tell me that, man. that's some bullshit. i don't wanna die. people, let's stay calm!
okay. now, this bank opens at 5:00 a.m. by that timemy colleagues and i will be long gone. you're all locked in here, okay? so, even if you were to get out of this kitchen, you can't get out of the bank. so sit down and shut up. what if one of us has a conditionthat requires us to use the bathroom a lot? yes, there will be bathroom breaks.you will not try to escape. you will not try to contactanyone outside of the bank.
you will not make noise. really, a watch alarm?what are you, like, in the sixth grade? it just goes off every hour.it reminds me to take my meds, which unfortunately i'm out of, - unless anybody has any depakene.- i have xanax. i got ativan and prilosec. - i've got a couple of ritalin.- i might have a few prozac. - i take adderall and nasonex.- are you kidding me? shut the fuck up! i just said no talking!
- what's going on?- we got oprah's book club in here. hey, you want me to fuck someone up? no, we're good. did you hitthe cameras, phones and computers? yeah. you sure you don't want meto fuck someone up? yeah, i just said i didn't.go get the scrambler. all right. jesus christ, that accent is ridiculous. before we get started, let's check on the other guys.
i'm about to start on the torchin a few minutes. make sure the time-lock rig is ready. this shit is so dope. what the fuck? hey, no problem, man. we just come in to peep at your toys.you is so pimp, man. - did you see my face?- what? no. did you see my fucking face? no, we ain't seen your face.
hey, hey, admit it. don't lie to me. you saw my face, right? i might've seen your face. oh, god damn it! - yeah, i seen it, too.- a very attractive face. shut the fuck up! god damn it! you know what?you two motherfuckers are like children. you know, you're worse than my kids. you do not know what you're doing.
have you ever even robbed a bank before? - like dozens.- yeah. we just pulled this job withthe callahan brothers in dubuque. - now that was...- whoa, whoa, whoa. what the fuck are you doing, man?see, that's exactly what i'm talking about. don't tell me about the other jobs you pulled. don't tell me about the peopleyou pulled them with. don't rob a motherfucking bankwithout a motherfucking mask. come on, guys, that's like, uh, criminal 101.
it's like your tattoos, for instance. - oh. you like them?- check this out. you can try and bind me,but it ain't gonna hold. oh, he didn't get it. do it again. no. no, no, no. wow. no, believe me, i get it. i think i need to speak slower to you two. generally, criminals try and minimize their distinctive qualities. so that they can't be identified afterwards.come on, guys, what the fuck?
get the fuck away from me. both of you.get the fuck out of here. get the fuck out of herebefore i put a bullet in both your asses. we're going. you stupid motherfuckers. now, i know some of you havehusbands and wives that are gonna panicwhen you don't come home tonight, so we're gonna give you each one phone call. you will tell your certain someone that you're spending the nightat a friend's house,
and you will be convincingor i will blow your genitals off. who wants to go first? you? how about you? no? okay, you with the ugly tie. hello, darling? number two is toast. three is up. we're 49 minutes behind schedule. four-nine. copy that mother-roo.
all right, now you knowhow i usually get the blue stuff, right? but this, this was on sale. i love how thrifty you are. maybe we ought to read the directionsjust to be sure. what is that, korean? no, actually, now that's chinese, see, 'cause chinese is a pictogram alphabet. is it? well, explosives is explosives. i, um, am not gonna come
to the airport tonight. i am really sorry. my mother is sick and i'm gonna staywith her, and maybe we can go tomorrow. and i love you. goodbye. - i don't have anybody to call.- nobody? that's really sad. just kidding. go fuck yourself. this is the most pathetic groupof hostages i've ever seen. - all right, sit down and shut up.- sit down and shut up. - i just said that.- i was just reinforcing your message. well, as i predicted,
they didn't kill us. - tripp? is it tripp?- mmm-hmm. would you like to apologisefor scaring us all half to death? why didn't they kill us? why do they have to kill us? they're gonna go down for murder already.why not kill all the witnesses? it's the same charge.frankly, that's what i would do. well, maybe each gang thinksthat the other one did it and so they don't have to kill us.
he was deliberately shot. until we figure out who he isand why he killed jack hayes, we're all totally fucked. - how do you know his name?- driver's license. you stole a dead man's wallet? mmm-hmm. we're in. gates, you're up. remember when you just needed a gunand a brown paper bag? tell me about it.
do you see a clue? no. i still don't knowwhat he does for a living. there's no business card.his credit cards and... that's it, look. visa, citibank,but no credit international card. - so?- so, why was jack hayes in this bankif he had no business here? maybe he was opening up a new account. damn it.
let's see. gordon and thecomputer guy were over by the mainframe. madge was at her station counting money. the creepy security guardwas standing by the door, checking out the swiss miss, who was sitting at the loan officer’s desk. kaitlin was at her station. and jack hayes was... no. jack hayes wasn't opening upa new account. he was loiteringat the cheque-writing counter.
if he was opening up a new account, he would've gone straightto one of the bank officers. then what was he doing here? i have no idea. hey. you are totally breathing on me. hello, tripp. - what are you doing?- i'm looking for a way out. did you not hear the partwhere they said they would kill us?
how come you haven't had your ring fitted? - excuse me?- how long you been engaged? most women would know the answerright away. why are you marrying max? you don't even know him. i know that he's rich.i know that he can't match your hunger for adventureor your sense of humour and doesn't understand you sexually. - she told me max irons his jeans.- madge!
she's worked here two months alreadyand i've never met him. - you know what? enough.- you know what? there are four photostaped to your teller station. three are of brazil. you like adventure.but max is not in any of them. he went with a banana hammock, okay,and got a bad sunburn. he stayed in that day. fourth one is of you and maxin front of his mansion. you look tiny compared to the house,which tells me you like the house more than the man putting you in it.
- you know what? who are you?- the most interesting thing about you is that you still work here,even though you don't need the money. you're an independent woman. i like that. - damn straight, i am.- i'm sorry. when i'm off my meds, - i'm not that good with...- people? especially ones i want to sleep with. and i say things like that. oh, god. hey. hey, asshole!
stop it! stop it! - you're gonna get us all killed!- would you let go? - stop it!- rex, let go of my legs! - rex, let him go.- he's gonna get us all killed! - god.- just be quiet up there, son. hey! they call me mr. clean. so where you from? - no english.- yeah?
i've never been to no english.i hear it's right next to no problem. there's a draught. i'm good. make it rain, baby. rooty-tooty. oh, fucking bollocks! - we have got to kill them now, all right?- just relax. does the computer still work? yeah, it still works.
all right, now how much timehas that set us back? about an hour or so. i say we forget the vault. let's just kill those muppetsand do the atms. - that's blue collar.- that's blue collar, dude. fine, all right, but we stillgotta kill them, all right, because they're slowing us down. put a bullet in their fucking brain. please. did we blow the atm? jesus! good to see your ugly face!
dude, you just ate three bricksof plastic explosives. but did we blow the atm? let me look. uh... you want the good news or the bad news? good news. the good news is we blew the door off. the bad news is, these atms got two doors.
on your fucking knees! go, go, go! hey, i ain't even pulled the trigger, man.the thing just went off. hey, i don't care. now on your fucking knees! okay, um... - face front?- face front! - put your hands behind your head.- hands on your fucking heads. they're about to die, dude.they probably don't need the echo. you got any ideas, bro? - see you on the other side, dog.- that's it?
you're supposed to gofor the brainstem, right? it's like less diffraction or something? - hey, dude?- yeah? been cool. yeah, totally cool.wouldn't have done it with nobody else. look, maybe this isn't our strongest play,practically speaking. fuck, weinstein, you said we could kill them. now just show me the spot. look, next time you guys aregonna blow something up, you let us know.
hey, you got it, bro. and i just wanna thank you bothpersonally for not killing us. hang on. we're not doing them now? you old fucks have completelylost your heads! what the fuck are you peopledoing out of the kitchen? yeah, and they can fucking id us now, man.we have to kill them all. you missed, be-atch! no, he got you, bro. what? i can't hear you, boy!
- your ear!- my what? - other ear.- that's the one. get ready to die, jism sucker. all right, go ahead, shoot him.go ahead, do it. - i will!- do it. then i'll shoot you and this retardedcycle of violence can continue forever. go on, schmuck, do it. what the fuck are you doing, man?are you trying to get me shot? no, no, peanut butter, don't shoot him.
we're better than that, man. okay. just gonna do a crawdaddy hereand back off. just backing on out. gates, move the hostages intothat office up there. just do it. you okay, sweet cookie? my sweet butter cookie? jeez! you killed jack hayes?
why in the fuck is therea hostage talking to me? somebody murdered him,and they're gonna kill again soon. look, you're talking about the guyin the windbreaker, it wasn't me. i didn't have an angle on him.how the fuck did you get out here? - who had the angle?- get the fuck out of here. what are you doing here? - can you watch the hostages, please?- let's go! all right! just calm down.you're really high-strung. what you need is a sedative.
what is wrong with you? i have a guntrained on the back of your head. yes. what were you guys talking about in there? he wanted to know if i thoughtyou killed the guy in the windbreaker jacket. - really?- yes. - did you?- no. - we're pros.- right. if one of our guys killed that guy,you hostages would all be as dead as him. right. he was also trying to figure out
why exactly two bank robberieswent down at the same time. - what, are you joking?- no. at 7:00 p.m. the computer guy rebootedthe entire security system to new protocols. - right.- the entire security system was down for two minutes. i'm shocked there wasn'ta dozen bank robbers in here tonight. - darrien should know that.- uh-huh. he does know that, doesn't he? and you're just trying to getinformation out of me.
so did you kill jack hayes? you know, in all my years of taking hostages, you are by far the most annoying. right. okay. i'm sorry. get in there, rain man. hey, computer guy. how come you only pressed 10 buttonswhen you called your wife before? what are you talking about? when everyone else used the phonethey pressed 10 buttons
and then they pressed send. so that's11 buttons. but you only pressed 10. i count everything, okay? so how come you pretended to call your wife? because you sold the informationwhen the alarms would be down to one of the criminals,and then you got greedy and you sold it again.double the cash, double the robbery. that's why you didn't call your wife. - mitchell?- want that i should rough him up? yeah, it might be good practicefor when the cops show up.
can we waterboard him?i saw how to do it on the discovery channel. i just need a mop and some tweezers. no, no, no, hey, hey, hold it. i did. i sold the downtime information. - what?- but i swear to god, i only did it once. okay? and i don't even know who to. yeah, i faxed the information.they paid me in cash. you've gotta believe me. why should we trust you?
no reason. but i swear to god,i never meant anybody to get hurt. and i didn't kill jack hayes. nobody said you did. oh, jesus christ, we should be in by now. listen, old man, if you wannaget out your stethoscope and bobby pins and break into this vault 1970s style,by all means, have at it. otherwise, shut your fucking face, all right? jesus fucking christ.
come on, baby. yes! i'm a fucking genius. - oh, good job, my man.- the dog's fucking bollocks! wait, pan left. pan left. that's not right. the vault specs said that the clutchwas 5 centimeters. that's way thicker. shit! what? how long is it gonnatake to burn through that? i don't know. an hour or two? - i mean, do all your jobs run this bad?- shit.
i mean, do i have to worryif there's enough petrol in the getaway van? look at me, fucko. we're past the time lock. we don't need you any more. are you threatening me, you bald little jew? - hey, hey, hey, hey! relax!- bald little jews have done more for mankind than any other kind of person, ever! so go fuck yourself! hey, go check on peanut butter and jelly. make sure they're not doinganything retarded. go!
- just go.- shit. relax. it never ends. three thousand yearswe've been taking this shit. yeah, i know, man, i know. i mean, it's not like i'm an accountantor a comedy writer or something really jewy. i'm a fucking bank robber, for christ's sake. you know how many jewish bank robbersthere are? - not many.- not very many! and even in this work environment,all they see is bagels
and shmear and goldman sachs. look, we're gonna burn through the clutch,all right. it's just gonna take a little bit more time. i don't know, d. we always said that we would bail on any jobif the intel sucked. already the vault specs are shit. we're behind schedule. our number-three guy lancelotis a fucking psycho. we got two hillbillies in the lobby
playing with weapons-gradeplastic explosives. our faces are in the open. ten years ago, we would've bailed. you know i'm right. ten years ago we weren't in a recession. fucking bubble! look, look, listen to me.i'm about to be 40 in a couple of years. that's like 80 in criminal years. shit, i should be out of the game by now.
but fuck, man,i need the money more than ever. you know, i just got my little girlsome fucking braces? - yeah?- yeah, the invisalign. - no.- yeah, not that cheap ceramic shit, either. - nine grand a pop.- fuck! yeah, tell me about it. and they call us criminals.we should've been dentists. - we should've been dentists!- you're absolutely right. except, well, technically we'd beorthodontists. but fuck that. listen.
go and take the hostageson a bathroom break, all right? i'll start on the clutch. look, man, we'll get through this. all right? we always do. all right? okay, so, we're gonna slide this c-4into that door crack there and punch the door out. - like opening a beer can.- yeah. yeah. oh, you fucking mugs arethe worst bank robbers i've ever seen.
- do you know that?- yeah? you know, you just blew my ear offlike 15 minutes ago, so you'll pardon me if i just let your little commentsgo in one ear and out the other. you only got one ear, bro. hey, it's an expression, dude. i can't believe you're siding with him. listen, we cannot let them divide us, man. you know they just trying tolower our ranking. whoa, whoa, whoa. wait, wait, wait.
you muppets are ranked? you bet your sweet ass. yes, sir, we are. higher than you, probably. oh, yeah? do you wanna bet? - bring it on.- yeah? let's go. let's see where we're at. i did not know they posted the rankingson the internets here. hey, jelly, you remember that one website?
yes. we got cyber-whipped. - you ever been cyber-whipped?- no, i have never been cyber-whipped. we got mixed feelingsabout the whole experience, but in a humdrum life, you gotta take your fantasieswhere you can find them, you know? - see any clues?- no, i need to get closer. how are you gonna do that? i'm working on it. you doing okay?
yeah. i'm good. fine. i'm good. what are you, like add or something? no. you don't have to be defensive, tripp.we've all got our own stuff. i'm not squirreling away xanax for nothing. why are you taking xanax? uh, i don't know. pre-wedding jitters, i guess. that's because you knowmax is not right for you. oh, yes, right, of course.
that must be it. what do you take? what don't i take? street or prescript? oh, prescription.never trust anything from the street. what do you take it for? all right, you don't have to tell me. shuts off the tvs. hmm. interesting. care to elaborate? how do i explain this?
i've seen hundreds of doctorsand they've given me hundreds of diagnoses. without my meds, it's like... it's like i'm in front of a lot of tvs, they're all on different channels. a normal person can focus on one. i have to take in all of them at the same time. can you turn them off? no. i wish i could, believe me.i've tried everything.
channel surf? - drag.- yes. well, you know what they say.normal's just a cycle on the washing machine. to the crazy person, the normal are insane. right, this is the fbi's most wantedfor banks. number one, vicellous drum.man, he's overrated. i don't know, bro. perfect getaway record. highest take-per-heist ratio. and his jobs is planned to a t.run like fat people to the buffet.
yeah, i know, but i mean,look at that baltimore job. twenty kills?that seems, you know, excessive. - walked away with eight figures.- yeah, whatever. all right. and number two is mick nylon and his crew. and number three is alexis blackand she's pretty good for a girl. and there's darrien and weinsteinat number 12. now, they've been at it for over 15 years, so they have a lot more credits than me. - and there's me, 68...- sixty-eight.
...in banks, but i'm 4 in cyber-grift. hey! good for you, there. hey, you know what? now i can go aroundand i can say i got my ear shot off by the fourth-best cyber-grifter in the country. - yeah, you could say that.- hey, you wanna shoot my pinkie off? did you just punch me in the arm? did he just punch me in the arm? okay, now, where are we ranked? - come on.- all right.
we're number 674? well, they probably ain't took into accountthat international job we just pulled. - we hit a jiffy lube in winnipeg.- no, it's here. you got picked up in saginawafter your car broke down. right. the engine gummed up. what, your engine gummed upafter robbing a fucking jiffy lube store? you know, it's not that ironic to us. oh, god. i broke the chain, man. they're gonna fucking kill me.jesus god in heaven!
relax. you can always turnstate's evidence and go to jail. what? is that supposed tomake me feel better? ah, the joint ain't so bad. really, it's not as gay as everyone thinks. well, for you it might be.you're pretty rapeable. come on, man! gross!hey, a little help in here! they figure out you're the snitch, mitch? let's go. let's go. move. - come on.- okay.
go. get out of here. gates, will you cover the bathroom break? i gotta get this guy some pepto. oh, sorry, guys. i shall see you later. set 'em up to knock 'em down. okay. well, guess you did blow the last one. well, now, you also took one for the teamwith your ear and all, so... i got an idea.
hey, bono! what say we borrow one of the hostages? they is half ours, ain't they? you wanna pick teams or something? eh? - the hottie.- mother-roo. okay, we'll take the sort of quasi-hottie. oh, i think you're a full-on hottie. all right, i'll take, uh... oh, fuck it, cue ball and creepy mustachewith me.
black chick, freak showand closet homosexual with them. - what?- i need to go to the lavatory. didn't you just piss? what, you gotta re-piss? what, is there something wrongwith your willy? no, i just... i need... i have e bit of e condition. all right, fuck it, go on. okay,now for the sake of team spirit, - we gonna be called the badgers.- mystic lightning! what? no, not mystic lightning.i hate that name.
oh, so, what, badgers are cool? badgers are tunnel-dwelling rodentswho live on garbage and poop, dude. they are not inspirational animals. bro, you got to choosepeanut butter and jelly. i get this one. fine. okay, so, for our first activity, we need one very special badger, preferably who can read chinese, to detonate some totally not dangerousexplosives for us.
dude, if you ask like that,no one is gonna volunteer. - i'll do it.- what? i need to see jack hayes. - see?- all right. the man is dead.there's nothing you can do for him. - oh, my god, you like me.- i do not like you. - this is really unexpected.- oh, my god, i don't like you. i really didn't think i had a shot. how is max gonna react to this?
you know what? fuck off. go get maimed.see if i care. go on, beat it. - i'm not gay.- this is not the time. okay, now here's what's supposed to happen. you jam the igniter into the c-4, you stroll casually to a safe location, and i press the detonator. here's what's actually gonna happen. igniter into c-4, huge explosion, and you get launched across the bank
and we find you in a pile of rubble. okay? good luck. okay, bro, good to go! - he is not the smartest badger.- no. huh. son of a bitch! new rule! from here on out,we only rob human beings. this is fucking ridiculous. locked! of course they're fucking locked.of course.
why does this bank hate us? oh, i found some nickels. fucking nickels.stupidest goddamn coin on the planet. hey, jelly. things is looking up.i just found us a bunch of nickels. they shot him from there. went through him this way... drop the gun, bro. you heard the man. drop it.
put the gun down! put it down! put the fucking gun down, dude. yo! earth to dude! - drop the fucking gun!- drop the fucking gun! put the fucking gun down! - drop the gun!- drop the gun, dude! what the fuck are you waiting on? put the gun down! guys, what's up?
drop the gun. this? i found it on him. i ain't interested in the fucking provenanceof the gun. just put her on the ground. you gotta be kidding me. dude, i know that we're sort ofthe junior varsity team around here, but we'd appreciate itif you'd surrender your weapon to us when we're holding you at gunpoint. this fucking thing is fbi issue. fbi? that's interesting.
wait a minute.an fbi agent tried to rob this bank too? or he was here investigating somebody. we have at least five wanted criminalsin this bank. right? what the fuck is going on here? - bingo.- you got it? nope. i found that missing piece to your ear. now, if you gotta faint, i got ya. okay. peanut butter and jelly camethrough the front door there.
darrien and gates came down the stairs there. bullets flew north-south.the blood splattered east-west. if he got caught in the crossfire,it'd be north-south. darrien and gates were on the wrong axis. so were peanut butter and jelly. the fbi guy, jack hayes, was dead center. with him in that position,only two guys could've shot him. mitchell the computer guy.but he wasn't armed. so if you eliminate that option,there's only one other possibility.
the murderer must be weinstein. - weinstein?- yeah. - you absolutely sure?- absolutely. weinstein, what's your 20? oh, shit. oh, shit. shit, they shot each other. no, no. there's no fucking way that this assholewas able to draw faster than weinstein.
no way. and where the fuck couldhe get a gun and a silencer? what do you make of this, here, spaceman? i reckon that weinstein's pissed because thecomputer guy invited two parties to the heist, and the computer guy, he's madbecause weinstein killed the fbi guy. and they both confront each other,both draw, both die. why would weinstein confront him now? surprise the bastard. and why would weinstein kill an fbi agentin the middle of a bank heist? to surprise the bastard.
weinstein had the computer guy at gunpointwhen he came into the kitchen, but the computer guy got two shots into him. well, maybe someone surprisedsomebody else in some other manner. what if it wasn't a confrontational moment?what if they were allies? you better watch your fucking mouthwhen you talk about my friend. he would never turn on me, ever. we've been working togetherfor 15 years now. and that means somethingin this fucking business. besides, the only people that had accessto the kitchen were, uh,
only peanut butter, jelly and... - and you, gates...- oh. ...had access to the kitchen. and the hostages upstairs in the ceiling. wait a minute. the hostages are crawlingaround in the fucking ceiling now. you see that? this is it. this job is over. no, no, wait, wait. you, wait here!darrien. darrien, mate, listen. listen to me, all right? that's kind of weird.
hmm. well, pb, what are we gonna do now? i got nothing, bro. except i'm gonna get this piece of earinto the freezer up there. buddy, i swear, if you was a woman,i'd marry you. well, i ain't. whoa, bro. you coming downstairs with me. where's the clicker?we need it to get out of here. so there are a couple more dead bodies.that means we change the plan, all right?
it doesn’t mean we call off the job. the plan? you know what they sayabout plans, don't ya? no, what do they say? they say if you wanna make god laugh,tell him all about your fucking plans. and believe me, that motherfuckers up therelaughing his ass off at us right now, because ever since we enteredthis miserable fucking bank, nothing has gone accordingto the goddamn plan! now where's the goddamn clicker?
weinstein had it, all right? yeah, no shit, sherlock.but where did he put it? i don't know where he put it.all right, listen, darrien. just listen to me, all right? just calm downand listen to me, all right? we should've gotten out of herea long fucking time ago. - no, no, listen, mate.- it's over. we need that to bust the clutch, yeah? yeah, well, i need it to cut my way out. don't fuck me over here, right, 'causei wanna stay here and do this bank.
the bank job is a bust! it's not a fucking bust. listen to me, all right. me and you sitting on a desert islandsomewhere, "sucky-sucky, 5 dollar," lots of birds, all that sort of shit. think about it.it's a good fucking option for you, mate. i'm getting the fuck out of here. oh, look, darrien, come on, mate.you blow the fuck... darrien! come on, man. the bolts are retracted. it's just a motor left.
- this will drastically...- get the fuck off me! look this will drasticallyaffect your rankings, mate. that's all i'm fucking saying, all right. and i thought you people had balls! you're a fucking disgraceto black criminals everywhere! fuck you. shit! fucking shit! i know tonight's beena complete and utter fuck-up. but not any more! no, no.
now there is only one robbery team,the three of us. hey, can we be mystic lightning? no, you can't be fucking mystic lightning,you muppet. no more bathroom breaks.no more perks, no more cushy treatment. this shit just got really fucking real! and because there is now only one army,there is now only one general. me, all right? i'm the fucking general. i'm in complete control. nothing happens here without me saying so,all right?
oh, fucking come on. honestly, i don't know why i fucking bother. now go on, take the hostagesup the office. go on. go on. all right, everybody, you heard the man. come on, come on, get moving.everybody up the stairs. let's go, let's go. did you rig his blowtorch? no, i fucking didn't. and i supposeyou wankers didn't either, right? so what's next? do we start with the vaultor do we kill all the hostages?
oh, uh, definitely the vault. we find that having hostages aroundcan be real handy. you can use them as human shields,or they can fetch stuff for you, like - bags of money or snacks.- fine. all right, we start with the vaulton one condition. when the time comes to do 'em,i get to do 'em all. yeah? yeah, that shouldn't be a problem.we ain't really into mass murder. but if that's part of your mo.,
that's totally cool with us. all right, let's do it. yeah? come on, let's get to work. you okay? oh, i'm great. this is so much betterthan flying first class, drinking champagne, going to my wedding. if you could walk out of the bankwith the money, would you still need max? oh, god. seriously, tripp,you have got to let this go. i can't let anything go. i'm obsessive.
if you had the money,would you still need max? yes, i would. - what, to open the door for you?- sure. - to cuddle you at night?- i'm not so big on cuddling. take you to mom and dad for the weekend? - my mom happens to love him.- you know what the problem is? everybody says money can't buy happiness,but nobody actually believes it. tripp, your persistence is touching.it really is. but at 5:00 a.m. i walk out of hereand go back to max.
so you're saying i have until 5:00 a.m. no! that is not what i'm saying. now, since the torch is blown, we'll use a controlled blastwith your c-4 on the clutch there. oh, we all about the controlled blast. yeah, that'd be a nice change of pace. and i just want you lads to know thati'm not just using you for your explosives. oh, we ain't thought that. just go and check on that now.
- ro-sham-bo?- okay. but no pee, no sneak attacks,no dynamite, no apache helicopters, - and no nuclear weapons.- just go and check on them, all right? and kill whoever's up there. dang! he always throws scissors. why do i go with paper? why, jelly? why do you always go with paper? you knowhe's going with scissors. go with rock. yo. hello.
anybody in here? hmm? hey, man. i know you're in here. i don't wanna shoot you, tripp. okay? i just... i just wanna rob banks. and i don't know what's happening any more. with the heist?
yeah with the... with the heist.with everything. i should be the happiest guy in the worldright now. i got a great job. i work with my best friend. the hours, they're ideal. but we never had to shoot people before,you know? we never had to kill anybody before. man, can you please just come out of there? you know, it's weird saying all this stuffto a photocopier. - look, i am not trying to be negative, okay?- okay.
it's... all i'm saying is maybe i'm not good at robbing banks,you know? maybe this is not what jesus put meon this earth to do. i mean, my grandfather, he sold moonshine my father was a repeat sex offender. i mean, being a criminal is in my blood. but between you and me, it's always been my dreamto work in a water park. i hear you.
you know, for whatever it's worth,i think you're a really great bank robber. - you mean that?- mmm-hmm. i mean, you're not just saying that'cause i got a gun pointed at your dick? no, no. listen. nothing that has gone wronghere tonight is your fault. you're being sabotaged. here, look. look at this. easy. - i'm gonna show you something. see?- hey! hey, where'd you... oh, man, where'd you get those?
i stole these from your suitcase earlier.but listen. look, watch. even with...even with a foreign bandwidth interference, the detonator should work. watch. nothing. who modified this for you? - our point man. are you okay?- no. who's your point man? yeah, i'm pretty surei'm not supposed to tell you that. whoever modified these is trying to kill you. it's either your point man or... - how well do you know peanut butter?- hey, bro!
me and peanut butter, we're like brothers,you understand me? - yeah! yeah!- no, actually my brother is a prick. me and peanut butter are like a couple ofbest-friend gay dudes in a bathtub. that's how fucking tight we are. okay? look. there's a lot of money at play. you have to look at all the angles. you know, he did know about that freezer even though we had never beenin that kitchen. then again, it is a kitchen.
- touchã©.- who's your point man? look at me, man. i'm a fucking mess.you can trust me. who's your point man? all right, fine, here. there. look at it. name's vicellous drum. we never met him. but his cheques clearedand his info was straight. never saw a face, just a fax. is getting a fax normal? yeah, yeah, you thinkeverybody'd be into the e-mail, right? nah, see. the cops,they got a million ways to track that stuff,
but they kind of skippedon the anti-fax technology. you know? plus, it... everybody likesthe convenience of a hard copy. i don't mean to frighten you, but do you think there could be somethingto this conspiracy theory? well, i don't wanna... i don't wanna impugn anyone's character, but the other nighti caught rex measuring the vault. i asked him what he was doingand he said he was trying to see if there was enough roomfor the new foreign currencies.
- oh, my god, that's so weird.- it is. he would know when the system was down. oh, my god, he would. well, and of course, as he's had to tell usmultiple times, he's an expert at bank-robbery procedure. - you're right.- but, mr. blythe... - what?- ...he is such a dork. anyone seen my glucose shot? - oh!- get a chair!
oh, my gosh. oh! you're gonna be okay.oh, my goodness. does anybody have any sugar? rex? no, i don't snack. okay, hold his head. hold his head. fire! fire! fire! whoa, whoa, whoa! where's the fire? this man needs a glucose shot and otherwise he's gonna die,and i'm gonna go get it
and you can't stop me. come on, everybody. okay, but where's the fire? so, do you work withthis vicellous drum guy a lot? yeah. we were decoys for him once. he had us rob this jiffy lubewhile he pulled this big heist downtown. bummer is this lube placehas got, like, no cash in it. i mean, we scored like 80 bucks canadian. hey! oh, mr. blythe is having a diabetic fit. we have to find his shot.come on, come on, come on, come on.
where's my gun? check under the ledges.that's where we hid contraband in joliet. stuck it under there with gum. wait. you're an ex-conand you're guarding this bank? yeah. i might've takena few liberties on my resume. - what were you in jail for?- not bank robbery. i committed other victimless... you know? - mmm-hmm.- mail fraud. i did a lot of mail fraud. - fine, but they weren't even big banks.- how many banks have you robbed?
a few dozen. - oh, my god.- relax. i'm rehabilitated and shit. so, what's your deal? you single? i think i found it. oh, my god. wow, his pulse has come back already. he's starting to open his eyes. he's a tough old bird.
- wanna sit up?- ready? all right, i'm closing this doorfor the last time. are we clear? i said, is that clear, you fucking cunts? oh! oh, i don't... i don't like that word. - what did you just say?- i don't like the c-word. now you try saying that one more timeand i'll out your... i said i don't like the c-word! and in america we never use it! oh, good, the fucking hostages are armed.
he got the same type of gunthat you do, jelly. that is my gun, dude. i suppose you'll be needing this? what the fuck is that? that is our way out of here.so what do you want, a cut? a conversation outside. let's go.hands over your heads, now! hands over your heads. let's go, outside. calm down now, calm down,you fucking maniac. all right? - tell me about your point man.- why?
unless you have something to barter with,you will answer my fucking questions! all right, all right.weinstein was our liaison, all right? - i never met our point man.- how did you communicate? - i'm not gonna tell you that.- do you wanna get out of here? do you wanna get out of here? just do it! - answer the question!- all right. listen, listen. look. this fax was all we got, all right? now, i'll trade you for the clicker.all right, there it is. - nice and slow.- all right, stand up!
- now give me the clicker. give me the clicker.- here's the clicker. - now give me the fucking gun.- whoa! now, that's jelly's gun. it was his mother's. your mother's gun? your mother gave it to you? all right, i'm sorry. all right. what, are you giving thefucking hostages your gun now, eh? - no, i didn't...- are you a fucking... have you lost your fucking marbles?you just lost your gun privileges. go on.
jesus. and you. if i hear one more fucking peepout of you, one, - then you're a dead man, all right?- all right. - now get your arse back in there.- all right, thank you. i'm in. jesus. now let's get back to work. - oh, my god!- what is that all about? i just traded the key out of here for this fax!
- and that's a good trade?- i don't know. that's why i kept the battery. look. listen. mr. blythe told me that he saw rexmeasuring the inside of the safe, and i noticed that when i asked for the chair,swiss miss brought it right over. speaking of swiss miss... hey, swiss miss is missing. oh, my god, it's happening. - it's happening.- what is happening? - it's happening.- what?
the faxes. the night-vision goggles. - oh, my god, the fucking faxes. the goggles.- what are you talking about? - 155, 70...- tripp, stop counting. - those faxes... the gun... huh?- tripp, stop! stop! - what?- why the fuck did you do that? because i thought it wouldhelp clear your mind. no, it doesn't work like that! for fuck's sake. i got 8,000 things going onin my mind right now,
and i have to think about the kiss, too? are you kidding me? oh, my god, my brain is gonna explode! oh, god! the dude's crazy but he is very gifted. i know. he is a bona fide criminal mastermind. we're blessed. can we help you? yeah. get you, you know, like a diet soda?
will you please just go anywhere else? one hour left. we're gonna make it here, team. i told you. so far the only peoplethat have been killed are criminals. and they can all go fucking kill each other,for all i care. we're survivors.or as i like to call us, hero-vivors_ everyone, starting tomorrow,you are getting one week's paid vacation. son of a bitch. i already got next week off. well, then, we're gonna have togive you another week.
thank you. we're not safe yet. you're that upsetthat you were wrong and i was right? no. oh, no! oh, my god! oh, god. - wait. what’s that in her bra?- i'll get it! - okay.- do it. oh, this is really gross. go ahead. pull it. pull it out. nice.
she works at a swiss bank? oh, man. what a waste. it's like extra sadwhen a hot chick dies. when a ugly chick dies, it's like,their life probably sucked anyway, so it's no big deal. but when a hot chick dies,it's, like, totally tragic. i know, i mean, hot chicks,they're like unicorns or leprechauns. they're rare and they're preciousand they need to be protected. - oh, my god. oh, my god.- what?
this is not a robbery. this is not a robbery! this is not a robbery! you're a fucking dead man. hakuna matata, motherfucker! just hear me outand i will return your firing pin. all right, yeah. these are the two faxesinviting both your teams to rob this bank. this is a fax inviting swiss miss here. they're all completely different
except each one has a blemishthat appears every 3.2 inches. it is made when the printing drumhas a scratch on it. - i don't get it.- me neither. each one was printed by the same machine? you were all invited here by the same person. the same person, who? - vicellous drum.- who's vicellous drum? the number-one criminal mastermindin the world. he's stupid smart.
this is not a bank robbery.this is an organized ambush. vicellous drum has a problem. he's gotta kill a bunch of peoplewho are all connected to him but he can't look like he's behind it. so you're saying that each of us hereis connected to this whatever drum personfor some reason? yes. here, let me lay it out for you. if i am right about this,the fbi agent has been after drum for years. darrien and weinstein workedfor drum before.
the swiss bank representativelaunders drum's money. mitchell wolf is drum's computer hacker peanut butter and jelly haveworked for him as decoys. each one of them could rat him out. and as for the rest of you, who knows? maybe mr. blythe denied mr. drum a loan. maybe madgeand her kind, wonderful, warm tones offended mr. drum in some way. maybe mr. clean flirted with himin a prison shower
give one blowjob in prisonand you never live it down, never. maybe we're all here by accident. like me, just collateral damage. oh, you have gotta be kidding me. lock us in a bankand hope we all kill each other? i mean, that is a sloppy plan,especially for drum. which is why he's here, in person. oh, come on. just think about it.the blowtorch, the explosives,
they all went off at exactly the right time. the fbi agent was obviouslythe biggest threat to drum, so he had weinstein take him out first. see, that's right. weinsteinwas working for drum from the beginning. so was mitchell, who knewwhen the security system would be down. and so drum killed them next. drum did his best to make it looklike a double murder but the clicker that was in weinstein's mouth was a big red flagthat something strange was going on.
my best guess is that weinstein must'vehid the clicker in his mouth to prevent the real killer, vicellous drum,from getting out of the bank. next, drum took out darrienwith a rigged blowtorch. and then drum shot the swiss miss. five down, only eight to go. oh, that is fucking bullshit. you know what? that's a nice little story you told, sunshine,but i've got a vault to blow. it's not gonna open up. listen to me.the money's like flypaper. it's just a lure to get you hereso drum can kill you.
come on, hell,there's no money in the bank at all! of course there's fucking money in a bank.don't even say that. no way, dude.we have worked way too hard for this. you are not listening to me.this is not a bank robbery! well, this is the best damnnon-bank robbery i've ever seen. and you said there'sno money in the vault, eh? you just don't get it. it's flypaper. yeah, eat your words, freak show. oh, my god!
so it doesn't matter that the money is here? vicellous drum is still gonnatry to kill everybody? yeah. i can't believe nobody's startingto lose their mind right now. i don't know which one of youis vicellous drum. you stay the hell away from me. aren't you gonna get a gun? no, it doesn't matter. drum's plan was always totake out numerous armed targets. our only hope is to outthink him.
so how do you kill a bank fullof armed people? cut off the lights, strap on the night-visiongoggles and take everybody out. jesus christ,how'd you come up with that idea? in the office you said something aboutthere being night-vision goggles. - yes, there's a pair in the bathroom.- so what more do you need? whichever guy goes for the gogglesis vicellous drum. or whatever girl. drachmas? how the fuckwe gonna fence drachmas? hey, how much you thinkwe've got here?
oh, i reckon about 4 or 5 loads. so, let's get cracking, eh? chop-chop. really? now you decide to save the bank? no, man, i wanna go with you.there's a fucking murderer in here! well, i'm going too. i'm totally freaked out. - i wanna go with you.- don't forget me, motherfuckers. oh, so we're all here. why don't we hold handsas we go up to the roof, eh? it's no use, guys.you're never gonna get out of this bank alive.
oh, would you not say ominous shit like that? you gonna spook jelly. actually, tripp's right. your key won't work.there's no battery in that clicker. oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. now which one of you bastardshas the battery! vicellous drum. - you took the battery to keep us here.- no... plus you spent half your timewandering around the bank.
you could've killed anyone at any time. and what's more mastermindishthan setting up the perfect crime and then trying to solve it bit by bit? i cannot believe i kissed you. doesn't take a mastermindto get under your skirt, sweetie. oh, don't flatter yourselfthat you'd ever get that far. and the rest of you idiots,if you'd been paying any attention at all, you would've realised that allthe evidence points to madge! no, it don't!
who turned out the lights? oh, come on. what the fuck?not again. shoot anything that moves.unless it's me. it's drum. it's fucking drum. where is he? we ain't seen dick-all, bro. drum? come on out. come on out!
come on, drum.come on out. it's not me. i'm telling you,i am not vicellous drum. i shut off the lights because i knew the realdrum would go for the night-vision goggles. then i went up to the bathroom and i waited. oh. the sick kindly bank managerwith the heart of gold. everyone's gonna be shockedwhen they hear it's you. you think so? those clowns in the lobbythink you're vicellous drum.
so if i kill you, i look more like a hero. and you kill me, you lookeven more like vicellous drum. so either way, you're just fucked. very entertaining story, drum,but no one's gonna believe it. come on out. no more lying.the game is over. not so fast. tripp and i set you up. we knew when the lights went out that whoever went forthose night-vision goggles was our guy.
you can't kill all of us. can he? one million dollars each. untraceable. all of you. two million dollars. put the gun down and we'll talk. ah, fuck it. and then there were six.
- here, the clicker.- thanks, bro. well, i guess that's all she wrote. take it. - it's insured.- mmm-hmm. fdic, baby. you got to love the new deal! mother-foo. thanks, badgers. i just wanna say one thing. from here on out,me and jelly is going straight, ain't we?
yeah. straight to the hooters in cancun! i almost forgot my ear. so after all that, two guys named peanut butter and jellygot away with all the money? yeah. it's crazy stupid. i think they said theywere fleeing to winnipeg. - thank you.- you're welcome. - you are free to go.- thank you. all right, lock down all northbound routes.
- here are your meds, sir.- oh. oh, i'll take the whole thing. suzie, hero is not a word that i would use. did i lead my team of hostages throughthe darkest night of their lives? yeah, i did my job. - i want two months off, paid.- yes, ma'am. i wanna wear jeans five days a week,not just friday. and i want lasik, both eyes. really, guys, you don't have to do this. it's not a problem, ma'am.
well, thank you. - there you are, ma'am.- good to go. - congratulations.- thanks, officers. thanks again, officer. - oh, shit.- wow, what is this? is it a toaster? is it a gravy boat? ooh. wow, some people like to give cash. i never quite bought your cover story.didn't ring true.
then i rememberedweinstein said he was shocked that only two bank robberieswere going down tonight. and then i realised there were actually three. pretty solid plan. kaitlin nest, plucky new fellerwho married the wrong guy. such a sympathetic story. your fake fiancã© maxexplains your expensive tastes. your history of exotic travel explains your sudden tripto a non-extradition state.
and your phoney wedding presentsallowed you to walk out of the bank with hundreds of pounds of cashwithout anyone raising an eyebrow. you were gonna make your movearound 7:00 p.m. when all the security went down. but darrien and drumand everyone else derailed your plan. you must've been so pissed. but you bided your time,waiting for your opportunity. and when i killed the lights,you took your shot. it's genius, actually.
no one's gonna open upa woman's wedding presents. and then to have the cops carry the moneyout of the bank and into the trunk of your car? honestly, i think i'm in love with you. too soon to say that? what do you want, tripp? - isn't it obvious? i want in.- really? equal partners. we only work the long con. no violence, no bodies. what makes you think i won't kill you?
you're not the killing kind. besides, you like me. - you think so?- oh, i know so. it'll be fun. you already know we'd make a great team. what do you say? are you gonna freak out? i don't know what you mean. what? the last time i kissed you,you freaked out and it was pretty pathetic. what's your real name?
alexis black, number three in banks. oh, that's so fucking hot.
